Thursday Thirteen: 13 things I've never read in a sex scene

In most books, the sex happens at a deeply emotional point in a relationship. It’s plot-changing, character-changing, life-changing Important-with-a-capital-I shit.

But I kind of long to read about some less-important sex. Maybe even something, dare I say it, silly. For instance:

  1. A hero who cries after coitus and swears it was the best he ever had. (Folks in my critique group might find this familiar. Dare ya.)
  2. Couple that really wants to but gets squicked by blood and so puts it off a week.
  3. Coitus interruptus by the creepy voyeur cat. 
  4. Or worse, the dog who thinks this is all a fun new licking game and wants to play too.
  5. Getting it on in seven minutes flat – to everyone’s satisfaction – because the baby is about to wake up and will need a bottle right-damn-then.
  6. A modern virgin who is older than 12, not grotesque to look at, not particularly religious, and yet still somehow believable.
  7. A ménage participant who, when presented with the opportunity to fellate somebody who’s already done anal, gets up and leaves.
  8. The toy’s batteries run down, it breaks, or it has something weird growing on it because somebody forgot to clean up last time and now must seek HazMat disposal.
  9. God, how do you get those garters undone?
  10. Yes, sweet thing, you really are awfully flexible. Will you look at ... oww. Um. Honey?
  11. No, the Kama Sutra didn’t explain how one gets out of this position, after.
  12. Mutual masturbation and hot night all around destroyed by some hilarious fucking porn.
  13. Let’s do this. I read it in a book, so it must be physically possible!

And no, since you asked (even if you didn’t say it out loud), these are not from personal experience. Well, not all.

Inspired by the Thursday Thirteen site. Check ‘em out.


Irene Preston said...

LMAO - yeah - recognized a few of those from crit and the DDs. Funny then, funny now. So, which one is making it into the next Viv Jackson release?

**** April **** said...

OH MY GAWD This is f'n hilarious! HILARIOUS...and yea... can't say that I haven't lived through... a couple of those...

fellate == I learned a new word!

...and the creepy voyeur cat...

I've HAD nosy dogs... their noses are COLD. Damnit!

Cara Bristol said...

Loved your list. I COULD share an amusing story about a cat, but this is a public forum. LOL.

Vivien Jackson said...

The what-what? *snort*

E. P. Beaumont said...

You have won my heart with this list. I will be frank: I don't read a lot of erotica except on recommendation, because much of it is written to a hidden checklist, with very little resort to the abundant opportunities for comedy and/or character development. Not to mention the color-by-numbers sex roles, implausible anatomy, dubious notions about consent, etc.

BTW love your pic of altogether-too-curious Stalker Cat.