Thursday Thirteen: 13 things I've never read in a sex scene

In most books, the sex happens at a deeply emotional point in a relationship. It’s plot-changing, character-changing, life-changing Important-with-a-capital-I shit.

But I kind of long to read about some less-important sex. Maybe even something, dare I say it, silly. For instance:

  1. A hero who cries after coitus and swears it was the best he ever had. (Folks in my critique group might find this familiar. Dare ya.)
  2. Couple that really wants to but gets squicked by blood and so puts it off a week.
  3. Coitus interruptus by the creepy voyeur cat. 
  4. Or worse, the dog who thinks this is all a fun new licking game and wants to play too.
  5. Getting it on in seven minutes flat – to everyone’s satisfaction – because the baby is about to wake up and will need a bottle right-damn-then.
  6. A modern virgin who is older than 12, not grotesque to look at, not particularly religious, and yet still somehow believable.
  7. A ménage participant who, when presented with the opportunity to fellate somebody who’s already done anal, gets up and leaves.
  8. The toy’s batteries run down, it breaks, or it has something weird growing on it because somebody forgot to clean up last time and now must seek HazMat disposal.
  9. God, how do you get those garters undone?
  10. Yes, sweet thing, you really are awfully flexible. Will you look at ... oww. Um. Honey?
  11. No, the Kama Sutra didn’t explain how one gets out of this position, after.
  12. Mutual masturbation and hot night all around destroyed by some hilarious fucking porn.
  13. Let’s do this. I read it in a book, so it must be physically possible!

And no, since you asked (even if you didn’t say it out loud), these are not from personal experience. Well, not all.

Inspired by the Thursday Thirteen site. Check ‘em out.